Lone. Enigmatic. Ambivalent.

Time has passed so quickly.

So much has happened.

Yet there is so much more to be ahead.



Looks like this post is inevitable.



My holidays have officially ended, when the minute hand struck midnight. Looking back into my life, i did a review through my mind on my way home from work. It's pretty much necessary to keep you in progress i think.

Some situations have changed, yet some have not. those around me have found new people, new loved ones to care and feel for. i did meet some new friends too, but things are still pretty much the same. Physically alone almost 24-7 literally. Sometimes i feel lonely, yet sometimes preoccupied by intentional distractions, or drowning myself into otiose music. Really, crowds don't dispel loneliness. only a heart of love can.

Isn't it nice when you have another person to hang out with, to play around, to work out, to think about at night, and just simply enjoying being with each other? Definitely feels wonderful. Seeing the ones that matter to me like this makes me feel at rest at least.

I'm really over jealousy. Haha really really. I've had my good times together too. Of course i hope for new love, and revived, proactive, lovely relationships, but i need to understand my basis of survival. Love is one thing, but survival is another. I've been living life financially independent and without a sugardaddy, or at least a responsible father; i ain't gonna let affairs of the heart bring me down. I can't. Mum needs me, and i have an eternal bond, a contract, to serve her till she leaves me.

Things may never turn out the way you want it to be, but i'll just accept it, and keep trying.



I think i've changed, and yet in some ways not either. well change is the only constant in life, yet also, what hurt leaves behind is nothing but permanent scars.

Talking about being weird. i think to find someone who could really love me deeply for the way i am is super duper hard to find. =/ Someone already mentioned that no words can describe me, which makes me complex i find.

a few things i know. i'm scarred. not just physically, but deep down inside too. though it doesn't really affects me, i find that it's just natural that people will be hesitant to approach you, and to be carefree with you. though i broke through from loving people beyond how they look like, i won't be expecting everyone else to do the same. not that i'm super ugly or what; it's inexplicable.

awkwardness becomes common when you hang out with a childhood-deprived acquaintance you know. trying to buck up on it seriously, so you guys will feel more comfortable, especially in joke-cracking.



Ambivalence. oh life is full of contradictions indeed. especially when it comes to the issue of fair or unfair love. true love is allowing yourself, literally, to be taken advantage of at your expense, the magnitude which affects you can be very devastating even.

"oh it's just not fair! he/she's always taking advantage of me" yadayadayada..

Hey. reality check. life is never fair.

but, why don't you make it a conviction, to make life fair for the one you love?

Ever since my mum crumbled, i made my conviction on the spot.

Ever since i met Ivan, i expanded my capacity by making the same conviction.

and even more, by doing whatever i can for everybody else.

My life had never been the same ever since i chose to live this way.

It has been driving me to the very limits, every now and then.

but when i give what i have to the one i love, i can feel a sense of fulfilment.

No i don't feel this way when i got for myself a new hairdo, contact lenses, shoes and apparel.
I'm still me. nothing changed.

This is just how love operates. Frankly if you want to talk about taking advantage, then i would say that i'm one of the greatest fools and victims in mankind's history. yea. that bad. People who just leave you, disappearing into thin air, after you've given your trust, time, effort and money.

i don't regret it. not at all. life's a gamble. just look at it this way.

don't get to be spoilt. it's ok. i'll still love and give.

don't get to spend time with mum all the time. it's ok. i'll still love and give.

my pal ain't even sure of who i really am in his life. it's ok. i'll still love and give.

i can't seem to change who i really am even when bad things happen.

it's just me. and i ain't giving up.

if this were to be DotA, I could be a Lone Druid, Enigma and Silencer man. Complex and contradicting, ostracized in a way, but always strong, and on the good side.

Live on, and love on with me.