Red.

my head burns every evening.

i cannot seem to adapt to the cold-then-hot-then-cold environment,

needless to say OTs, and the matrix of Excel sheets.



Seeking rest.

waiting for it.

Moving on.

isn't life much of a headache when opposites collide?

in a land of vast space, they long for closeness.
in a tiny island of ours, they wish for nothing but space.

in a place with few inhabitants, they desire intimacy,
in a densely populated crowd, distance is all that matters.

some long for company,
while some are already full of it.

some don't want to be alone everyday,
while some are just dying to have a day off on their own.

some people just can't stop putting you down,
when they're given the chance to do it in a tactful way.

some people are just numb to the nay-says of life,
just wondering to themselves why they're so blind to their own flaws.

some are angry, sad, and dissatisfied with the person for who he is now,
always wanting more, wanting to make it better.

some only realise that that one person is already so good so special,
but only too late, when he's lost, and surrounded by blocks of wood and stone.

some people see bad happenings as an opportunity for the better future,
to improve to repair and to fortify.

but some see it as an ending,
a closure, a resignation to fate that it's just meant to be that way forever.

endless comparisons, differing perspectives,
about life, about love.

is one always right all the time? why some have a predominant factor in their way of thinking?
when it comes to the grey areas of life, there's always bound to be a loser.



we are all so different, yet the same.



you never know how great it is to feel until you know numbness.

you never know how great warmth is until you've felt sub-zero chill.

you never know how great friends are, until you've lost them all.

you never know how glorious day is, until you've seen the darkest of nights.



you never know how good it feels to be your loved one,
until you're left with nothing but memories.



when life seems to bog you down everyday,

take a look behind, not at the unhappy times,

but the happy, enjoyable, unforgettable moments.

soak yourself, immerse deep into it once again,

open up your eyes, and tell yourself "life's been great."




you may not be going through bright times now,
but you made them happen before.

you may not have a smile on your face now,
but you have painted them gleefully on the faces of others.

you may not feel loved now,
but you have tasted it before, and shared it, seeing it grow.

you may not feel strong now,
but you know you've been so before, and you can do it again.



what does it mean to move on?

what are your views about this?

what is your meaning of it?

what if you have no answer to this question?



one can't relive the past anymore i suppose.

there's only so much one can do, i suppose.

but anyway, i don't really care because i can't and don't know how to.

life, had been great. period.

no matter what the future beholds,

just "move on".

Twist of Fate.

that one saturday sure was eventful.

i didn't know why sparks of fury had ignited, which i never intended for,

but yet without it i wouldn't have met him.

it definitely had been a once in a lifetime adventure with Dmitri, and Terrence too.

all the food, walking, gift-giving, and of course, his funny faces.

as fun as it had been, so had those days been stressful.

i had two papers to settle, one of which i just started studying for at midnight, hours before the paper.

as fun as it had been, so has it brought much sorrow.

i don't really want to elaborate,

but i've got no time and no strength to lose thinking about it.

settle the last two papers, and that's it.

and oh yes, Europe here i come. someday, that is.



a fresh headstart.. where do i begin..


Fight for what you love. Strive for what you want. Don't cling onto people if you can't commit. If you really love that person... then do what's best for him/her. - local poet. very true indeed.

Eclipse.

nothingness was bad enough.

scarring back the hands that loved you is too much.

there is only one me, one facade,

you know that.

i love you so much to even pose a negative judgement about you,

which, at this stage, has already never ever crossed my mind.

i still care, even though you're so far away;

why would i even bother speaking evil of you?



i gave you my blessings,

my possessions,

my every form of permitted expression, of my affection,

my prayers, everyday,

for you to better seek your best interest from above,

and not for me to be misunderstood.



Surely there are guidelines to how relationships should work out,

but as it is stated above, it may not happen all the time to everybody.

i didn't choose to care in a way that is more of a friend yet less of a lover.

because of who i am, i'm just a different hybrid altogether.

even so, some think it's perfectly normal.



i'm not here to debate on how relationships are to be like;

i doubt the chances of renewal will sprig forth from the dead, or dying.



the truth of the matter is, it ain't only your spouse who needs to know the truth of your life.

your heart, your emotion, your thoughts, your dreams, you.

the truth of you is required when you reach out to the lost, in the form of a testimony.

the truth of you is required when you try to help someone, in the form of life experiences and realistic encouragements.

the truth of you is required when you preach the gospel to the world, revealing the reality of God and the light that is reflected from you.

the truth of you is required to keep a relationship alive, for nobody lives in the past, and sees nothing in the future if one does not know the present you.

the lack of truth in times of need will stumble many, for His people are destroyed from this void.

truth is eternal, complete, and brings life and light.

likewise, without it, anything is left as a temporal, dead residue in the midst of darkness.

to love, is to live in truth.

because love is truth.



like precious diamonds and the purest of gold, may you pursue truth,

cherish, grab hold of it, and not let go.



it's a weird world.

eclipses don't usually happen, but they still do.

Table for One.

it's been so long since we've talked.

face to face, over a restaurant table, or anything of the similar sort,

nice cosy ambience, pretty good food,

enjoyed your presence, i've always did.

talking about issues of life, of the heart,

of the past, present and future,

we knew each other well.

it was a good balance; neither side was over-familiar nor clueless about each other.



days, weeks, months and years passed.

an empty seat always daunts right in front of me as i stop and stare.

a reservation for two, usually left for one,

time goes so much slower, painstakingly breathless.

seated by the window, along the shopping aisle,

people walk pass; they come and they go.


i'm glad that life is going on an upslope for you,

with new friends, brothers, and a better knitted family,

who cares for you, and possibly understands you better.

how you want your social life, how you manage it, it is your prerogative,

unless you ask for an opinion, i'd say no one can do anything to change it.


i close my eyes, shut from this world,

i see myself, and i say "maybe it's just better that way."



many things resign to history,

but yet my conviction to you, will stand for eternity.

people question if such a will could really last,

but i believe that my heart has already died to seal this covenant back then.



nothing will change my love for you,

not even the warmth that i long to give as well.

go, and live your life a happy man,

taking into consideration of relationships as a whole, above the rights which you once had.

you're a child of God; a servant who esteems others above oneself, careful with words, and an open lamp to all.

yet again, this calling is to be lived out with a matter of choice at hand.

may the truth abide in you, and you in it.



whenever you need me, i'll be there.

a promise that i've made,

and i'll never take back.

no matter how small and unworthy to be with you, i'll do whatever i can,

to be your best friend.

Re-union.

missed calls, flooded text messages in my phone.

mum wants me to go to dad's place for reunion dinner.

yeah. just the "whole" family again, with my grandmother. no one else.

the food was the same.

the atmosphere was the same.

the way i felt was just about the same.


i don't understand his actions.

i don't understand why he approached me, and attempted to embrace me.

i don't understand why does it feel just as cold as it was when i was 12.

though both are people, living and normal, all i felt was nothingness.

8 years since i touched him that way, and yet it feels as cold as ever.



why did he do that, when my heart is already dead to him?



i don't know what to do.

what does he want?



my heart is numbed, and yet i feel tears well up my eyes.

what do i do..

The New.

this is the 70th post i've made already; didn't know that i actually blog so much.

but i suppose it's gonna stop here.

doing away with the old, and creating the new.

bye