Hey guys, looks like i haven't got down into business haha..
busy with work, church and lots of friends =/ hardly any time to blog..
but as i have promised, i created this blog for all my friends and loved ones out there, those who want to know about me and my life. there are so so so so so so so so many things that have been kept unsaid to so many, because of various reasons, but nah no excuse here now haha..
many would know that i hate lies. i hate lying. i do not like people to lie (but that doesn't mean i don't love the person who lied =/) and i have a disability to lie. i just can't speak a lie literally. haha. when i come up with a fake story, it's so damn obvious. i think i did get away with some polka-dotted lies, like lying to others that i'm ok when i'm not, and lying to myself LOL (if i ever lied to anyone before please forgive me >.< because i seriously did not mean it or cannot remember at all), but if anything regards to someone else, be it stranger or my most beloved, i would ground myself never to lie, even at the expense of my very life.
Why so? some people asked. "it's only a lie man! you don't have to be so serious about this haha."
the answer is because my life had taken a downward plunge, because of this one lie.
"ouch!" my dad accidentally stepped on my head as i was already fast asleep on the mattress. his drunken stupor had awakened me, but i couldn't be bothered about a loveless father, so i tried to get myself back to sleep.
Mum didn't sleep at all. No, not even a second of shut-eye. it was 2am in the morning. she had been waiting for him all the while.
Mum started to whisper to dad, asking him where he had been for the whole night, not wanting to startle my little brother and i, but i was wide awake, listening intently to mum's broken voice.
something was wrong.
lipstick on dad's collar. perfume over his shoulders. the musk of alcohol couldn't cover up the vile, sweet scent of another lady.
"who is she?!" mum started to raise her voice. it seemed as though it was the fifth time she asked him that same question.
i started to cry. weeping silently, hiding next to the spring bed, thoughts of confusion and fear drowned me. "why, why is this happening to my family?! dad just tell the truth! please!"
"i already said she's just another client! she was drunk and i sent her home!" he shouted this time. Little brother nudged and tossed for a few seconds, but was still fast asleep.
i was so afraid, and i cried even harder, yet unable to make a sound. Mum was crying. sobbing. so hard. so painfully. so badly. i couldn't say a thing at all. i just froze at that lying position, soaking my soft pillow with tears.
Mum decided to forgive dad, to forget the whole damn issue, on one condition that he would never look for her ever again. A cold, harsh and loveless response, was what mum had earned after such a heartbreak. he went to shower. i stood up and looked at mum in the eyes.
through the darkness, i saw her eyes. though shortsighted, i could see the gleam of pain bleeding down her cheeks.
"Henry, pretend you never heard anything tonight. Don't even talk about it. Do you understand me? Now go back to sleep."
i nodded immediately out of obedience, and plopped into my mattress, hiding myself under the quilt. i couldn't even give my mum a hug.
i was 9. Mike was only 7. Lyn wasn't even conceived at that time.
I thought life would be back to normal, the usual family outings and dinners, where i'll stick to mum and Mike to dad; though as cold as ice it has always been between my dad and i, i didn't mind, because at least my family was complete.
but not long after, he made his choice.
to love another woman above my mum.
to break the eternal bond that God had once ordained to be as one.
to break mum's promise.
to break mum's unconditional love for the man in whom she loved the most.
to break everything. everything.
the irresponsibility of one man, is unimaginably devastative.
she did whatever she could to win her first love once again.
that 4-digit Tag Heuer watch, her savings, even another intimate encounter to conceive one more child, in hope that his heart would be moved by her once again.
it was all futile. his choice had already been made.
Mum was so skinny. so pale. so ruined.
Nothing but hatred burned deep inside of me. Hatred so pure that i could've easily stab the heart of this man with a kitchen knife.
the only that stopped me from doing it is that mum loves him so much.
this double life continued for another 6 years, even after Lyn was born.
as the 3 of us grew up together, we have witnessed the quarrels and the fights.
few years, shortly after, they just went insane.
mum got scolded for being a fucking bitch, and was told to fucking shut up.
out of uncontrollable rage, she screamed back and bludgeoned him until he was bruised all over.
i glared at him as he hopelessly knelt on the floor. Lyn and Mike hugged me tight, crying, scared.
i carried them to my room, and hid together under the study table, covering their ears.
he left the house for several days before he came back, occasionally when mum was out working.
the heat dispersed, subsequently turning into the chilling frost of separation.
2004 marked the official ending of what had already demised so many years back.
Just that we needed time to do the documentation.
Just that we needed time to settle custody issues.
Just that we needed to save up enough cash to file a divorce.
Just that mum had kept trying, despite knowing that it was futile.
Just that mum had kept hoping, despite knowing that is was hopeless.
Whenever March falls, i would be reminded of whatever that had happened. though i do not hate anymore, i'm unable to feel a single tinge of love for him. A father by blood, by surname. Period.
I don't have an earthly dad.
i don't expect Lyn and Mike to comprehend and see things from my perspective, for they are dad's favourites, doted upon very much, and they were also too young to understand what had happened back then.
I really feel sorry for Lyn, because i don't know how she's going to react next time when she grows up, knowing that she had been conceived because of the attempt to save a marriage. yet no matter, no matter how spoilt or obnoxious she is, i believe her presence in this life is not a mistake. i will not allow that to happen.
okay i think i should stop here for now. it's a very very long post already haha.
of course there are crazier things that happened apart from this, but it's impossible to type it all out in a night =_=
moral of the story?
don't lie.
don't use profanities as well. please. you haven't seen the brutality and damage it can cause to a person. (people who often use vulgarities have very limited vocabulary too.)
please forgive me for the usage of the "F" word here. but i guess i had to in order to bring out the scenario in its truest form.
Love is a will, not an emotion. if it were emotion, then marriages will never stand strong at all. because the loving feeling can and will fade.
no matter what kind of love it is, don't give up on it. stand strong on hope, but move in wisdom as well.
i didn't love those around me because i feel comfortable with them or i simply just like them. i chose to love, and because i did, the emotions and everything else just came along with it.
my mission in life is to love, and to love even more each day. your joy is the greatest gift i can ever receive. i can't bear to see a broken heart.
don't be afraid to love. don't be afraid to confess that you want to be loved. take your chance before it fades away. time and tide wait for no man.
mum's leaving for overseas work again. won't be seeing her for so long this year again. whenever i'm home, she's asleep. whenever she's home, i'm out working.
I'm so gonna get a nice shoe for mum for her birthday! her old one is so worn out now.
i hope i could hug her once again, and tell that i really really love her too.
i hope she won't ask me to be strong and not to be dependent on her and stuff like that again. just once more, to be a little child in a mum's loving embrace. i really need it haha..
a child of fornication i may be, a divorced family i may have come from, a father's love i may lack, but it doesn't matter now.
Daddy God loves me, and many many people around me too =)
and i love God, and these people very much too.
Man, a hug from a lovely friend would be nice haha..
ok ok i gotta end here. catch some shut eye and off to work.
Scars, make us stronger for life. (Corrinne May)
