Smile.

It's a great sunny day today.

Sadly i've missed it; gotta get some stuff at Adidas, and pal needs rest very badly.

New trunks are out.. Black with 3 white stripes! i'm so getting it.

After that gotta get to work too.

All the dumb school projects also.

Have a good day all. Going to indulge in the ecstasy of slight slurging.

Be happy, smile.

If you can't, call for a little help.

If there's no help available, just close your eyes, and wait.

The day will come, when your smile becomes pure and natural, not out of lies nor brokenness.

Dear Daddy God,

I can't stop crying.

Everyday, every night, everywhere i go, everywhere i am.

I want to be happy, but time and time again things always try to bring you down.

God i really needed Your peace yesterday so badly.

but because i couldn't immerse myself into worship, i felt so horrible. Ushering people with a smile on your face but with tears uncontrollably trickling down the cheeks is kinda contradictory?

it's ministry, it's sacrifice, but i know i am strong and still able to make the right decisions and attitudes despite all my emotions.

It's really very difficult God!

Though i've evaded past wrongs in these tests, why does the helpless feeling still linger?

There's so much to be done. My purpose, my responsibilities.

Don't let the doors of my heart close... please...

Dear God, i pray for grace over my loved ones, to give them the ability to fulfill all that is required of them.. their promises, their confessions. Let no more dangling promises hurt anyone anymore.

Keep us company oh God. every night, every day.
Don't leave, nor forsake us.

In Jesus' name i pray, Amen.

How Long More.

Today's just not my day seriously.

Had a horrible night's sleep yet again for consecutive days. Woke up early to study, but fell asleep a while later. So i was 20 minutes late for the paper and i didn't finish it.

Alot of other stuff happened along the way to school. but i'll skip that. spare me the stress.

Couldn't go for cell group because i was scheduled to work on Thursday. I thought i missed out alot already. But i was wrong huh.

Went to the Cathay to get Yuan Hong and Huiwen's presents. wanted to exchange my polo tee for greater value items, but the supervisor disallowed me, saying that "it's staff discount, so cannot." I went there as a regular customer, and that was how he talked to me. no greeting, no referring to my name, and spoke with such an attitude, as though i owed him a thousand bucks.

He just spoilt my day. Left the place in a jiffy after i got my stuff for work.

Work was surely more interesting when i just realised that i may not be able to get into a local university anymore. Seng Hui and Eleanor just enlightened me that my GPA is cumulative - every single semester in poly life counts. I always had the perception that only my 3rd year would be crucial and important. but i was wrong. totally wrong.

Made a big mistake by working in a high-commitment part-time job and sacrificing my 1st semester of studies, once again. not that i didn't try, but it's seriously beyond capability for me.

Is it really worth it? to give up my chances in a good university for substantial income? But i don't have a choice - Mum is the sole breadwinner. and guess what, she's taking a part-time diploma course now! that's good for her, no doubt, but that will mean that our net income will fall significantly. if i were to work less i'd be feeding on blocks of bread only. I've been used to being financially independent for so long; living off my mum again will impose too much stress for her and i won't feel any better seeing this happening.

Sigh. I need a breather. Badly.

Pal, if you are reading this, i just want you to know how much i want to tell you all this. i can only hope and wait that you'll have time, and make some space for me to share with you so much more.

This blog is not my best friend. Mine is a real person in whom i really care about. Gotta share the key things with the right person.

Drawing strength from my past reflections, reminding myself not to make certain mistakes, i will wait and hold on a little longer, looking forward to a time with you.

Oh God, SOS. What am i to do..
I don't know how to face tomorrow, but Lord help me.
I feel discouraged and disappointed time and time again, but Lord show me the sun.
Most importantly, give me the strength to wait without a broken smile.
in Jesus' name i pray, Amen.

Reflection.

I've failed many tests today.

Looks like i have an aptitude.

It can be hard to respond to negativity. Not impossible. Just hard.

Sigh. Things just exascerbate when inferiority complex kicks in.

But yea. Just be my normal self, seeking to improve myself each day, and be patient about being who i'm said to be.

School's starting and everybody's going back to business. Somehow i feel that my tank is running as low as when the holidays just began. Zzz.

Apart from exams, there's the not so good side of me to fight too. Plus solitude and additional work stress etc.. Life is just that boring huh.

All the best to those having exams.

Dear God, thanks for the holidays, and the things, be it good or bad, that happened this June. Please, help me fight ingratitude. In Jesus' name i pray, Amen.

Lovelorn Solitude.

Freedom is like the flight of a kite,

soaring so carefreely, riding on the breeze, basking in the sun.

Love is like the thin cotton string,

a bond of commitment that keeps you secure, safe and stable.

without love and you'd end up in outer space.

too much of it would only bog you down.

i only desire for those whom i love to fly without wings.

without a frown, enjoying the warmth of whatever life can offer them.

the reel has been released completely.

i'll only do what is best for others.

if the sturdy winds come, just give me a little tug. i'll still be there for you.

but don't worry. i won't tug yours. or anyone else's.

many things cannot be explained.

but nonetheless, your joy is the greatest gift i can receive.


Loved till i bled. Bled till i died.

Strength.

Service yesterday was remarkable, and remarkably painful too.

I told myself not to be emotional, but to stand strong and to live on positive and head up.

Thoughts just entered my mind without permission.

My mum. My grandmothers. My siblings and cousins. Reunion dinner. What he had done to my family and i.

I couldn't hold on at all. the stronger i resisted, the greater the pain. i don't understand why either though.

i didn't lift my hands when pastor asked if we loved our dads. i didn't tell my neighbours left and right that i'll be a blessing to him today. People had gifts, cards, coffee and cookies for them, but even if i had any i don't have a dad to give to. Pastor's sermon was excellent, but yet somehow didn't apply for me at all.

Not that i didn't want a father, but he was the one who didn't want me in the first place. what can i do? so be it. thus neither would i desire to have one.

I was just left standing alone right there and then, after the service, wishing that i could just hug someone to ease the pain i have been withholding deep within.

Things never did work out in the ways you wanted it to be from the very beginning. So i just dried my tears, locked my eyes with a glare confidently, and told myself that i'm stronger than what people would think. there are some things in life that i don't necessarily need, even love, and whatever that kind of love may be.

Sounds over the wall or cocky? a little. But it's better than emo-ing my way through life.

I'm still waiting for the day when someone would prove me wrong. so wrong.

Man needs food and water to survive, but man needs love to live.

Love is not a chance, but a choice.

i know all this head knowledge. i've been applying them as much as i can.

that's all that i need to know. the results are beyond my control.

the initial startup of being happy wasn't too good, but it all went well during the course of celebrating Steve's birthday. he sure is a super chocolate fanatic. >.>

Once again, happy father's day to all.

Irreplaceable.

To all those with fathers in their lives, please show some practical forms of appreciation to your dads. no matter how indifferent they treat you, know the very basic fact that without them, life will be without you.

Many men, fathers and sons here, have the courage to take on the rough roads in life, but can be so hesitant in expressing their love for one another. may the child be so ever daring to set their fathers free, and vice-versa.

For those in which this season is inapplicable to, the moments of torment will pass sooner or later. the scorches deep within, the chill that cuts to the bone, and the disability to be freed from this eternal curse.

But still, live on. Irreplaceable doesn't mean indispensible.

If you have a best friend or brother to be by your side, take it as the bonus you would have in such times of melancholy. don't say anything, and don't let them talk so much either. just enjoy the company, the warmth of the shoulders, and the resting of a broken heart.

haha. i don't think i can blog on anymore.

going against my flaw that is being challenged at its peak is really draining.

happy father's day to all.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all - Ronan Keating

Unforgettable.

Sorry guys.. i've been so busy with work and projects recently that i hardly have time to breathe.

Plus the DotA competition. Oh damn the stress really kills. >.<

Today sure is a really special head start for my study break..

Guess it's just about to begin =)