Fallow.

A good ending for you, but the same ending for me.

it was a good conversation though haha. =)

good in the sense that i still know you, and have known you once again.

First impression is important, but it isn't everything.

Be with company that enjoys you, and you'll be happy too.

but sometimes we can't expect some people to care in a way we think would be appropriate, be it christian or not. mainly because they are not close with you at all..

haha, just like you and me. despite you just saying a simple "hm, okay" after the things in which i've yet to share with anyone else, it's fine.. normal friends.. yup.

as the tree crumbles and fallows, i'm off to mug for my final 2 papers..

you can feel happy, hurt, distressed, and in peace, all at the same time.

A Special Fathers' Day.

today is a special day by surprise, disguised my the routine of life indeed.

apart from the Neo-prints @_@ taken before going to church, and the exceptionally long hours of serving in Usher (if everybody were to just stay for 5 minutes to help, alot of work could've been done.. oh well, life as an usher is like this..), it was Ivan's dad's (uncle's) birthday.

i wanted to wish him a happy birthday but i guess he was out on a date with auntie heh.

not only that, it was the graduation service for the SOT students. saw Jia Yi, En Yao and Yun Rui up on the stage and receiving the scrolls.. wow they sure look wonderful! =) congratulations to my dear ex-CGL, ex-CG Helper, and my great sister in Christ! God bless and empower you to succeed in the callings He has given to you!

Lastly, when i was about to be clearing up, Pastor Tan halted the entire dismissal abruptly. i was quite taken aback, until i saw a birthday cake. Gosh i am so forgetful! today is also Pastor Kong's birthday! the whole church rejoiced with loud cheers, and also a touching song with dedications from pastors, friends, and of course Sun and Dayan.

as i listened to the song, tears began to flow down my eyes. looking back, through the current stages of hopelessness, Pastor Kong, was the one who brought God's love to me 4 years back. He was the great man who kept me keeping on, despite all the storms i had been going through. He is a great father, the example that i had always needed to look upon. though i may not know him personally, but one thing is for sure, is that i love Pastor very much, because he is my spiritual father.

I knew God, and His love, because of one man, his love and his kindness, that opened my heart to Abba Father.

happy birthdays to the wonderful fathers.. God bless and path their way to greater heights!

The Fight.

one thing that has been bothering me for so long, discreetly forgotten, buried by other worries, resurfaced as Pris and i chatted today.

my debts are not cleared yet. a truth talk with my mum revealed an estimated outstanding of SGD 10,000 credit, owing my aunt. thank God that she was willing to lend us that some of money many years back; we could have been easily consumed by the bank as victims of killer interest rates.

the other depressing news is that my biological father has not brought in any contributions to our household for 6 whole months. this ain't new to me, but this occuring since half a year ago is.

reality just hits me hard on the head that my own expenses are already minor, and it's nothing compared to the mountain that is ahead of me.

i don't care if he's gonna help or not. he may be my father in blood, but he ain't one in truth, in reality, in my life. he doesn't even remember when i was born, with special thanks to my maid who reminded me.

it's alright. he's already irresponsible from the beginning. i'm used to it.

but the mutation of what i am now is the cause of one man's mistake. this flaw, this lack, somehow creeps deeper, becomes stealthily irreversible as i grew.

whatever i have become i'm not sure, but i'm not blaming anybody. in this unjust world, there is never a balance of human love, a love that is somewhat limited yet essential.

don't wanna go too deep into this. sensitive topic you know, love.

scouring for odd jobs that can be done at home for maximum efficiency.

i can't stand my mum's nagging of pushing me back to work, even though i'm taking a break for exams.

given a choice of course i won't want to work. the thing is i don't. not going any further into it.

please, let me know if you have any deals as such.

yes, i feel as though i'm going crazy. weird thoughts, weird words.

God. let me fulfill this duty that is due to the best of my ability. even if it takes my life, till the day that i die.

Waiting Sign.

can one ever be in control over their own time? Our time, is our responsibility.

waiting for so long. deep down inside.

time given to others, others taking away the time that's left of me.

why did it have to be taken away, on that sunday out of all days.

the whole day was cold, no difference to the other passing days. the warmth of your hand came to mine, but it left the moment life flowed through my skin.

Time, is a gift from God. He's a balanced God, splitting it into 2 intervals, night and day, and 24 hours, and so forth.

Time won't grow, and neither would it shrink.

We're in control of it, and not letting time set the pace for you.

do think through about all the things that you've been doing if you ever said you don't have enough time for something. there's no one to blame but yourself.

time with close friends and family, or newly found acquaintances? too much of something is never good, but if we love, this is one responsibility we have to do. it ain't the past that built a relationship, but the present time, and the experiences shared together, that nurtures the bonding, allowing it to grow healthily.

if you don't feel like going out with those who asked you, reply them promptly and genuinely.. true friends won't bug you when a firm answer is given. but don't mismanage your time to things or others who are of less importance or significance in your life. the contradiction not only confuse, put to anger, but hurt and disappoint those who have been putting their waiting sign for you.

the feeling of being cheapened, disregarded, and going on any further equates to some serious healing required.

we try to understand, but when understanding fails, there's only so much one's love can hang on to it.

but if i truly love you, i'd do what is right, not for me, but for you, and for those around you.

relationship problems and breakdowns major around 1 cause: Lack of or wrong communication. learning to relate properly is not easy, but life is much easier than you can ever imagine so long as you try.

Watches are probably one of the best gifts to give. not only it ingrains the importance of cherishing the gift itself, but also the value of irreversible, but controllable time. hey, the time on the watch is set by you, not the other way round.

What an intro huh? it's a continuation from my previous thoughts actually.

long day today. met Baldovin to bring him to Auntie Helen for a hairdo.

then to Commonwealth to meet Chin Wen (long lost cousin =/); she wanna accompany me to Alexandra Hospital.

Met up with Daniel Stephen (D.S.) at the clinic and goodness his stitches gave me goosebumps.

-_- i hope his leg can recover soon..

we had a good and nice long chat at Sakae.. i really have to say, i didn't know how much i missed him until we met haha. sigh. but felt better already, for we managed to make time for each other despite our busy-ness. our total bill was 45 cents lmao (vouchers hehe) and it felt so weird handing the cashier a coin after whatever we've eaten >.<

Met up with the gang later on, then met my mum, Pris and her parents at some pub.

not bad for a first time trip. haha..

considering that there's KTV there, together with cards and stuff, it ain't a bad place to chill out eh? more relaxing than arcade and LAN that's for sure.

Drank quite a bit, but still sober. if not how'd i blog? guess the alcohol smoothened my trail of thoughts.

Will be busy with Mid Years and Usher Ministry. didn't know they were so short-handed.

till we (whoever you may be) meet again, it'll be just me, Teddy, 'lil Tatty, Stitch, and Abba Father.

Listening ears and company in bad times are still open. i know my priorities. hopefully. =/

Take care, God bless all.

A more straightforward post today; must've been the mugs. Do you like it this way or not? leave a comment..

Resolution.

some nice surprises, but some not so nice ones.

okay maybe several not so nice ones.

Sigh. gotta get used to a life like this.

a birthday is still another ordinary day.

i'm still but a servant of God. hey, what do i have to complain about.

yesterday seemed so warm on the outside, yet deep down it still feels chilled.

damn i hate the two-pronged feeling attacks.

but life still has to move on.

move on.

A New Day.

lol um okay i just went back to Adidas and found out that my 3 watches are already here.. sooner than i expected. this spells bad news..

haha. yup excessive present giving. bread and juice woot! (aiyah not many days in school anyway, will be working again soon)

preparing for church stuff..

bye bye ^^

Red and White.

National day today~ and here i am at Vivocity slacking, waiting for the slowpokes hehex..



sigh, the cab ride home last night was so expensive. the cab driver stopped at one of the red lights.. for a few minutes. after his retardation, he then realised that the traffic lights were SPOILT.



i just stared intently at the fare meter, and oh my goodness gracious me lol.



talking about money, looks like i'm gonna spend a bunch this month again haha =x but hey i saved up for this occasion okay? =D



the 3 Adidas watches that i ordered have arrived, and it definitely ain't cheap. gotta replace Aunty Pari's missing earring as well, as well as another pair for someone else haha..



and the NUM tee that i saw which was quite cool (obviously not for me lol), and i've got co-tenant's discount haha..



wow.. so much so much to buy..



alright i'll shop in my dreams xD



DotA DotA DotA.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE PEOPLE AH?! SHADOW PRIEST SUCKS LIKE CRAP NOW! ZZZ.. THERE GOES MY FAVOURITE AND BEST HERO.



i seriously detest and plead against the new rework.. people please help me by appealing at every official DotA forum if you agree with me.. =/ thank you very much..

Black Rectangles.

today's a pretty hectic day.. had GEMs CA (supposed to be PAIR WORK, but my partner didn't show up on time; i did the whole planning form on my own anyway =/) as well as HRPS selections.

For my previous GEMs CA, i really thank Daddy God for His unfailing grace.. i didn't even know that it was a test week, and i stepped into the class casually with my MP3 20 minutes late. everyone just stared. i was so sickeningly embarrassed.

i thought this module was a goner. but the paper ain't as difficult as i expected. got a 75% (one of the highest) and i was like "huh? what? wrong script is it?" but yeah still thank God! and Jerome also (gave me a silent encouragement as i looked at him before attempting the paper lmao.. my face just fell flat can?)

then slogged through the day with my earpiece on, alone in the library doing ECM and HRPS.. Pris called and asked if she could asked me out for dinner. lol why not.. all those that i asked for dinner couldn't make it some way or another.

stoned at Adidas for an hour or so, then had dinner at Pastamania (Sushi Tei's queue is outrageously long lol), and my my i had curry fish -_- kinda oily, hot and spicy, but interesting taste =/ (er no pun intended)

we chatted and chatted, till i lost her somewhere though lol.. went to the supermarket to get some groceries before heading home.

i am astounded when i opened the box she gave me. it's a pure black leather wallet and keyholder set from Goldlion, and it is so NOT CHEAP.

Thank you very much Pris and Sean haha.. i didn't expect my first and early present to be so grand..

touched deeply by the loving couples, i'm inspired and motivated to head back to Adidas after my exams. gotta make my workplace a better place.. it hurts to see my friends having cold war with each other, and i'm sandwiched in between.

another surprise caught me off guard was when Sheeny smsed me to keep my Sunday free, 'cause she wants to hang out with me lol.. alright alright i'll mug around expo area after service to wait haha.. got tons to work on and catch up.

then my bro reminded me to keep sunday free AGAIN (with a very bad reason also lol. so not convincing can hahaha).

hmm.. see how this goes then..

okok back to my project. black rectangles =D

Desires.

there's only something in mind in which i wanna do on a sunday:

have lunch or dinner with someone. someone in mind, for a very long time.

but it's been so long, so very long i suppose. 'cause i can feel the distance draining the life within me. it makes me feel as though i'm dying?

busy-ness, other people, the arguments, the difficult times, somehow's just getting bigger, getting greater.

it seems so torn apart. it looks completely fine on the surface, but yet deep down inside, i don't even know what's left of this.

is this what God wants it to be? or is it something that the devil has dominion over and consuming it bit by bit? nothing stands neutral in this context here, but yet something deep inside me makes me hesitant in thinking that the devil is the real influence.

true and close friendships are beautiful things, a gift from the Father to the children in whom He loves so dearly.

of course i can't deny the fact that it bogs me down.

of all the things that i do not know, i am wholeheartedly sure that even if the flower of friendship were to die, my love i have for you will never change.

over the years, i found that no true love ever changes or turns sour. yes, we may tend to forget and be occupied with other things as we move on, but when you look back into the memories, your heart beats soulfully deep within; when you get closer and feel it, it's still as warm as ever.

everything on the face of the earth changes. all except true love. that's why God doesn't change.

hmm. it may not change, but it changes you. it ain't easy to take though. but i guess that's what it means by how people work issues of love out when they grow up (and grow old).

looks like i'm going to church alone again o_O

'cause the cell group is going for the second service whilst i have to go for the first one..

i hate to say this, but i kinda expected my sunday to be dried empty.

well i guess i'll just plan something out..

friday and saturday:
i'd like to go LAN gaming with all the pals yeah.. hopefully can play inhouse.. anyone up for it?

sunday:
church in the morning of course..

the rest of the day.. hmm.. think i'll keep it booked till night.

still hoping for the lunch haha.. =/



is it wrong to desire? maybe not.. 'cause God has tons of desires..
just desire for the right thing.
and i hope i am.

A Tired Love.

Phew, it was a very very long Friday indeed.

Stayed in school till 4 plus because of the E-Commerce project; i didn't even know that the report was to be submitted on that day itself. -_-

then headed to Orchard, hoping to find a seat in the library to SLEEP. but i couldn't find the library anywhere! sigh.. it's either relocated or closed down i think.

Rested a while on the bench, then headed to City Hall to meet the guys for dinner. Met Pris and Sean halfway also.. =/

i think i kinda overspent yesterday.. close to a hundred on Perlini's Silver (after birthday discount some more), 30 on Hong Kong Cafe, then 20 more on arcade and LAN.
Wah. so good-gamed.

air and water for recess for the rest of the month -_-

but anyway we all had a good time together, i must say. really enjoyed it and glad to see everybody happy.

An exhausted yet undying heart puts me into difficult sleep once again.

Some things that people won't get for me i can get for myself.

But some things can only be given by someone else, can it bring out its full purpose and fulfillment.



Somehow, shopping alone, and buying things for myself, seems to be burning a bigger hole in my heart.

I don't have the luxury of bugging a sugar-mum/dad, or have someone who extensively cares who would grant my heart's desires with an element of surprise.

when i get stuff for myself, it feels so different, so wrong should i say. but the situation is such that if i don't get some stuff for myself, i'll end up looking ancient, and i REALLY mean ancient. (who wears the same set of berms for 5 years straight. sigh.)
my wants end up becoming needs, backfiring, dissatisfying and it just makes me mad at myself.

but yet again, a part of me still keeps me breathing at least. chipping in more so my friends would chip in less, cover the whole bill even though they said we're going dutch, small random gifts every now and then. (Lending money is different, as it is based on a contractual basis. Giving, is based on love. So you may love someone, but the contract still stays. Gotta get things right and clear, lest you be cheated in this life.)

I would do anything to the best of my abilities to put/keep a smile on your faces.

It is very taxing and heavy.

But woot! frankly i'm looking forward to next week =/ though i ain't doing anything, my gut feeling tells me it's gonna be full of surprises? o_o nah can't be too sure about that haha.. so bhb
-_-
but anyway, if it's nothing much it doesn't really matter lol.. just a year older, not as though i've become king for a day =/ at least, i get to spend a great birthday, the exact day, with Daddy God! >.< Wee~

Friends, are forever. Family will be truly forever, when you can love and respect each other as friends.

It's not a wish for me, but for you. yes, you. =D (the one who's reading and the one who's NOT also) Hope i have made, am making, and will make this wish come true.

take care all my friends!

Daddy God, give me the strength to love, just as You love me, as You love each and every one of us.